I wish I can easily love like before. I rarely appreciate these days; it’s like I’m slowly turning numb. Numb of the things I have from the past that I can’t accept, the things I can’t move-on from and the thoughts that keeps coming back.

My name is Jastin, my friends call me by my name and I appreciate them. Others call me Jao, simply. Now, my thoughts are going blurry. I’m not the same me from before. A lot of my friends think I’m strong, I can agree to that but sometimes, things are too much for me to handle. I don’t know what these are. These are things that don’t matter at all but they can really change me.

Honestly, I’m confused. I’ve been writing stuff about me not knowing what to do anymore. I have a goal but I can’t seem to move my feet. It’s like my soul is going forward but my body prefers to stay. I’m quite physically dead right now. What’s keeping me sane right now is my mind that always has something positive to say.

I’m bitter of the stuff that I can’t have. My friends have them, almost everyone has them but me. I need a wall to lean on. All my life, I’ve been making myself available to everyone. Everyone around me is willing to help but what’s the use? I can’t make myself open. I’ll appear weak in their eyes.

Honestly, I’m far weaker than what I usually appear. Being like this, I just contain myself in a hard shell. One hole, to see everything around me but never transparent. I refuse to be.

Sometimes, I think it would be much better to just close my eyes but I know I’ll end up waking up to the same reality. That I’m confused, lost and indecisive.

It’s a bad combination. Well it’s been a while since I last wrote here. I just wanna say I’m sorry for missing out on Tumblr. But hey! I’m still here so everybody please don’t burn me to oblivion. Kay.

Let’s get to what’s with me these days. Work has been a hell road with loads of fun and tons of stress plus extra consolation prizes from the Philippine Islands’ heat.

What’s keeping me up these days is a certain someone. Yeah, a certain someone. So I found this person but hell, I can’t bring myself to make a move. Well, I mean this person is a lot older than I am and I don’t want to turn out like an easy flirt so I’m keeping things natural. But up til now, I’m still waiting for the right timing. Can anybody suggest what’s the best option in approaching an older person?

Screw that someone, I’m not looking for miracles yet. Let’s get to the good parts. Summer? Well yeah, summer. Sadly, there’s a few good parts of my summer, so far. I still have some Friday night shots and a lot of pig-out weekends. Nothing happening near the beach yet, for me. It sucks. But I’m expecting a lot from my friends and my co-workers/interns. Let’s just hope things will turn out well and going. Aight?

PS: Here’s a little something I learned from work.

• Passion drives perfection.
• Be the help people need.
• Get your ass up.
• Caffeine is required. Everyday.
• If you wanna be noticed, get up, do some work and some public relations.
• Smile for you may never know the face of your boss.
• Keep the people on your social space. No more, no less. Not unless they’re totally worth being kept closer.
• Take your time, go around, never rush your tasks.
• Last but not the least, know your sun dial. Time is important.

It’s funny how memories can bring back pieces of the soul right next to your side. I did a lot of chores yesterday, you name it. My parents and my aunt went out of town to visit my relatives, my sisters went on with their business; my big sis went to her training out of town and my li’l sis went out swimming with her friends. I was left home alone. I fixed the house and staring at the empty household made me remember of how things went back then when I still have my grandfather and grandmom with me. Things were less serious.

Night fell and they came home. Things were still normal and monotonous. My sister went over to her bag checking her phone and fixing her hair. Very typical of her. My aunt and mom are discussing things in the kitchen, eating now and then. We were all tired.

I had my shower and there I had the typical teenager-reflecting-on-things moment. I remembered my grandmom’s death day. I watched her fighting for her life, struggling, deeply breathing for  her life. I stood right on the open doorway staring blankly at the room filled with hums of my sisters crying, my mom in the living room talking with my dad as tears flow unending. 

I walked right into my room. I was holding it in. My grandmom slowly being taken. Staring at the room my grandma and grandpa used to have, I cried, without whimpering, tears started tracking down my face, no sounds. My eyes were locked staring straight to the open space. I was thinking deeply, if she’s slowly leaving why can’t she just leave right that instant. She was struggling, I can hear her breathing from my closed room. It was painful.

It’s funny how things went emotionally uncontrollable while I was being bombarded with water. I just smiled. She’s in a better place now and watching over me, the boy she used to walk to school, the boy she used to pack snacks for. I can’t have that anymore. So I just smiled. Nothing serious because she wouldn’t want me getting serious.

This morning, right after I did my routine, I went upstairs and there I sensed the slightest scent of lighted candles. I went to my room where my sister was playing with my PC and damn, the whole room smelled like a dozen candles were lit up. My sister looked at me while my eyes were big and round, I was calmly breathing when I told her the room smelled like candles. She went on with her games. I went downstairs to check on my mom and aunt. I told them: “My room smells like lighted candles.” My mom & aunt smiled: “It’s grandma.”

We were calm of course but I have to admit, things happened unexpectedly. I guess she visited me. I like the thought of that. Today is Palm Sunday. Traditionally, my grandmom would take me to church; not just me but the whole family. Happy Palm Sunday Lola!

PS: I’m sorry for being sentimental, but I love my grandmom so much that a post like this doesn’t even feel like it’s enough.

They caught me. The girl stood up and passed by our table and my friends saw me looking at her with my jaw hanging lifelessly. I can’t blame myself, she looked a hell lot prettier than anybody else in the hall. Well at least that’s what I think. They were saying “Dude, pull your jaw up and don’t stare too much!”. I just lol-ed for a little while then everybody started teasing me. My blood felt really warm and yes, my gut went full when they started glaring at me like they’re more into me than I am with the girl. Leave me alone. Cheeesus, can’t a guy like a girl around here?

I’ve been obsessing with a lot of things lately. Our paperworks, course outputs, and my internship. Yeap, I’m currently bombarding myself with work and it’s not really bothering me since I like what I’m doing. My dad, sis and aunt are planning to go their own ways and the fact that they’re deciding on that gives weight to my work. And since I’m gonna be graduating next year, I can’t help but think about the things I really want to do with my life.

There’s loads of things for me to do, not only in school but in my life. I can’t believe I said that but yeah. I need to pick things up fast so that I can cope up but my body is close to bugging down. 

Other than that, that conversation with my friend about the thing I had in the past is making me preoccupied during random times I remember it. I really don’t want to care about it since, you know, people move on and I should too and I don’t know if I did but the conversation keeps making me remember things I’m not supposed to remember. I’m completely lost tonight.