I wish I can easily love like before. I rarely appreciate these days; it’s like I’m slowly turning numb. Numb of the things I have from the past that I can’t accept, the things I can’t move-on from and the thoughts that keeps coming back.
My name is Jastin, my friends call me by my name and I appreciate them. Others call me Jao, simply. Now, my thoughts are going blurry. I’m not the same me from before. A lot of my friends think I’m strong, I can agree to that but sometimes, things are too much for me to handle. I don’t know what these are. These are things that don’t matter at all but they can really change me.
Honestly, I’m confused. I’ve been writing stuff about me not knowing what to do anymore. I have a goal but I can’t seem to move my feet. It’s like my soul is going forward but my body prefers to stay. I’m quite physically dead right now. What’s keeping me sane right now is my mind that always has something positive to say.
I’m bitter of the stuff that I can’t have. My friends have them, almost everyone has them but me. I need a wall to lean on. All my life, I’ve been making myself available to everyone. Everyone around me is willing to help but what’s the use? I can’t make myself open. I’ll appear weak in their eyes.
Honestly, I’m far weaker than what I usually appear. Being like this, I just contain myself in a hard shell. One hole, to see everything around me but never transparent. I refuse to be.
Sometimes, I think it would be much better to just close my eyes but I know I’ll end up waking up to the same reality. That I’m confused, lost and indecisive.